The Time I Went to SantaCon

So, SantaCon is (by this point) an international parade of Santas and drunkenness.

The NYC one is pretty huge every year, though I had never gone before. Mostly because I didn’t want to be trampled by surly Santas. But since I’m never one to turn down an opportunity to wear a costume in public, I decided to attend.

The celebration was on December 15 this year, and it was crowded, but luckily not the shit show I had been anticipating. I dressed as a reindeer and swam as a furry lump of brown in a sea of cheap red velveteen. People were drunk, and I got stepped on a few times, but most people were actually more jolly than out of control. Every bar even vaguely on the Santa route had people lining up for 30+ minutes just to get inside, so my co-worker and I popped into the largest bars we could find. Once inside, it was nearly impossible to get a drink, but with patience, we were finally able to enjoy ourselves amidst the nearly 30,000 people dressed up and hammered that day.

Also, these photos have once again reminded me that I need to lose some weight. Sigh. Below are also photos of a packed Santa bar (off the route, so at least you could breathe in there), and this one girl’s awesome homemade menorah costume. All the candles lit up!

The Time Halloween Was Cancelled

Yes, I understand why it was cancelled, and it was clearly appropriate to do so, but I can’t help but be disappointed all the same. I spent so much time and energy on my costume, only to miss out on the annual NYC Halloween Parade.

Oh, well. Next year!

I at least did get to dress up on the Saturday before Halloween, though the pictures I took were terrible since I was in a rush, and I figured I’d get better photos the day of the parade. Oops? So I have no close-ups of my makeup, though I’ve linked to the YouTube tutorials I used below.

A group of teenage girls ran screaming from me in the street, then came up to me and wanted my photo, so I think the costume was a success! According to many, I looked terrifying (and unrecognizable) at night in NYC.

I used a combination of makeup tutorials, mostly from this video and this one. I used black and white Wolfe FX makeup, and lots of cheap black eye shadow and makeup brushes from the dollar store. I actually completely forgot to paint in the cracks on my skull, which I’ll have to fix if I ever do this makeup again. Most parts of the costume were from China via eBay. I look super short and stumpy in this photo because 1) I am really short, 2) The skirt was long (below the knee), which didn’t help matters, and 3) My roommate who took the photo is considerably taller than me. Sigh.

The Time I Looked at Sexy Halloween Costumes

So I know hundreds of blogs have covered this topic, but there were some costumes even I was surprised by this year, so here we are.

Sexy Soldiers

So we have not one but TWO Sexy Russian Communist costumes, and what are essentially Sexy Nazis, but without the swastikas.

Sexy Palace Guard

This just cracks me up since it’s one of the satirical costumes featured in the Girls’s Costume Warehouse video, and now it’s for real. One of these years, I’ll dress up as the Sexy 1900s Steel Conglomerate Tycoon.

Lingerie

So these are PASTIES NOT COSTUMES! Why in the world are they in the costumes section?

Sexy Board Games

I really don’t understand this trend. We have Sexy Etch-a-Sketch, Monopoly, Darts (x2), Tic-Tac-Toe, Twister (x2), and Operation (x2). I was a little surprised not to see a Battleship-themed costume given the movie. Hollywod really missed a tie-in there.

Sexy Breakfast Cereal

This also baffles me. These aren’t even costumes. Why did Kellogg’s think anyone would want these?

Sexy Fruit

Okay, so I know corn isn’t actually a fruit, but it’s fruit-adjacent. Or something. Is there someone out there seeking some hot corn action?

Sexy Booze

Sexy Jager Bomb, Rum, Martini, and Beer. Sure, why not. They’re no more stupid than the rest of these.

Sexy Non-Sexy Things

Cindy Brady is seven years old. Little Orphan Annie is 11. Just think about that. Brian from Family Guy is a cartoon dog. When’s the last time you thought about the insane sex appeal of golf, one of the most boring sports ever? There is a girl here sincerely trying to stir your loins as a pink TV remote control.

Sexy Bizarreness

And here we have the weirdest ones, at least to me. When you were watching the Honey Badger video, were you thinking how much you’d like to fuck that animal who eats poisonous snakes and munches on bees? The next girl has a terrifying gaping maw on her bright pink stomach. Is this one supposed to be referencing something? And the coup de grace is the Sexy Tarantula, who appeals to absolutely no one on Earth, except perhaps some creepy guy who masturbates to Arachnophobia. We must stop this madness.

The Time I Bought Costumes

So, I’m a bit obsessed with Halloween and costumes in general.

Now, I’ve talked about costumes here before. I’ve dressed up as Hermione in Japan, a crazed Swan Lake ballerina, a space mouse (and one year, a space TIGER), and a 1920s flapper (TWICE).

So perhaps it’s no surprise that I’ve already purchased most of my costume for Halloween this year. And it’s pretty much all from China via eBay since I’m cheap. Can you figure out what I’m going to be?

 
What, did you not guess a skeletal undead gothic lolita? Because of course I’m going to be that. DUH.

The Time I Was a Flapper

Last weekend, I went to Winkel and Balktick’s “Flappers and Philosphers” party at the Andrew Freedman Home in the Bronx. Attendees were encouraged to dress in period attire, and since I heard of the party over a month prior, I had time to get some good outfits.

My first stop was eBay, which is always awesome for costumes if you have the time and don’t mind paying shipping. Each day, I did a search for “dress (flapper, 1920s, jazz, beaded, drop waist, dropwaist)” until I had a lot of likely dresses picked out. I ended up bidding on two that ended around the same time, so that I could hopefully win one if I lost the other at the last minute. Many people “snipe” on eBay (including myself), which means that you put in your bid in the last 30 seconds or less of an auction, which doesn’t give others time to outbid you.

The first item I picked out was a Laurence Kazar dress from the 1980s, but had some Art Nouveau-style beading. It also had some serious shoulder pads that would need removing.

The measurements on the auction seemed about right, but I was worried it might be a touch too small, so I bid on this second dress. This was also from the 1980s, but had more geometric Art Deco-style beading.

I inadvertently ended up winning both dresses for very reasonable prices (under $30 each), and so lent the second one to a friend who was also planning on coming to the party. Now it was time to accessorize!

I bought long white gloves and a telescoping cigarette holder from Halloween Adventure on 4th Avenue, and strands of white and pearl-colored beads at 2 Dollar Jewelry on 14th Street. Yes, that’s really the name of the store, and I’m pretty sure most everything there is made of lead and the tears of Chinese children.

I also got a white beaded bag on eBay for around $10, and snagged some flapper-esque shoes at Goodwill for $7.99. They were real leather and the Aerosoles brand, but it must be a style they sold ages ago.

Together with a white feathered and rhinestoned hairpiece from my black/white swan costume, some Deco-ish earrings I already owned from ModCloth, and loads of makeup, I was finally ready! I even bummed a cigarette off a co-worker for my holder, though it was crushed within the first hour of the party.

And yes, my legs/arms really are that pale. I am a majestic snow beast.

Click on the images for larger photos.

The Time I Wanted to be an Alien

When I was little and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always answered, “An alien.”

I wrote stories where I featured as an alien with special powers, though I spelled it “alian.” I ran around with a “tail” made of a telephone cord stuck into the back of my pants, and I wore those springy alien antennae headbands on a regular basis. Outside. In public.

One year for Halloween my mom rented me a scratchy full-body tiger costume. I decided it wasn’t unique enough, and so I added the antennae to become a “space tiger.” I dreamed of spaceships and the wonderful adventures I’d have flying around the universe, a la Flight of the Navigator. Maybe I, too, could time travel to the magical land of the 1980s and be smuggled around by a pink-haired Sarah Jessica Parker?

In primary school, perhaps second grade, our school play involved a horribly-written script about mice. My other frequent dream was that I’d one day fall asleep and wake up as an animal, so I was pretty pumped for this play. All the students needed mouse costumes, but the catch was that half the class would be regular mice, and half would be SPACE MICE. So here was a play that combined not only animals with TAILS, but ALIENS, too! I was so excited I thought I was going to pee myself. I’d be the best space mouse that ever strut and fret her hour upon the stage.

But alas, we did not get to choose our groups, and on the fateful day I was placed in the regular mouse category. I was heartbroken, and threw an absolute fit about the injustice of it all. I still insisted on wearing my alien antennae with my mouse costume around the house, but I sadly had to put it aside the night of the play.

Looking back on it all, I don’t understand why I was so obsessed with aliens, but there it was. I wore my mouse sweatpants on a daily basis for a while, despite the fact that a massive homemade satin rat tail emerged from the back. I was the coolest second grader EVER.