Home > Anxiety, Disgusting, Disturbing, Las Vegas, My Brother, Scary, Surgery > The Time My Brother Grew a Second Asshole

The Time My Brother Grew a Second Asshole

November 21, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

cute_puppy

The entry today is so gross and horrifying that I’ve decided to use a picture of a cute puppy here. If you start feeling ill, just scroll back up and check out this little guy. Aww.

Things were going swimmingly for my brother up until the day his ass started to burn with the fury of a thousand suns.

A loving wife, a beautiful daughter, and a steady, well-paying acting job – all of these things were no match for an anal fistula.

Basically, if you strain too much while pooping, your anus can start to bulge where it’s not supposed to go. Given enough time, this extra pathway from your anus will reach all the way through your muscle until it reaches the outside. Suddenly, one day you wake up with an extra asshole that is inflamed, infected, and never heals since it’s constantly getting shit in it. Literal shit.

So not only do you have a painful second asshole, but because this little tract lacks the muscle control of your original sphincter, it leaks uncontrollably all the time. Every pair of underwear you own will become skid mark city, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. My brother can now fart through two separate holes.

He went to see a surgeon in Las Vegas, and was scheduled for a procedure that involves essentially coring the fistula like an apple. By removing the infected tissue, it’s hoped that the body will actually start to heal itself. The day of the surgery, my brother started weeping copiously at the thought of being violated so thoroughly. He faints at the sight of blood, so the thought of being impaled anally like a puppet was just too much to take. His heart rate spiked so high that a sedative was immediately pumped into his IV, and he remembers no more.

He woke up with his ass packed so tight with gauze that it looked like he’d been reamed by a torpedo. Everything was still numb, and my brother sucked down one of the opiate pills he had been given for pain, so all was well. But later that night began a grueling two-week span of unimaginable pain. Pissing and shitting could only be accomplished while squatting in warm water, which meant essentially bathing in your own waste after crapping in the tub.

When the gauze finally emerged, well, I’ll let my brother explain in his own words:

Turns out, it was a rolled up sheet of something gelatinous, the size of a Kleenex that unfurled into the water like a shit and blood-stained surrender flag. I got out of the tub, walked to the bedroom and passed out on the carpet.

Things weren’t getting any better, so my brother went back to the surgeon, and it was revealed that the doctor was too “conservative,” and didn’t cut the fistula all away. A cauterization (ie. sticking a hot poker up someone’s asshole) was recommended. The area was numbed slightly, then a white-hot probe was jammed up there. The room filled with the stench of burning flesh and shit. My brother begged for more anesthetic, but unfortunately, the doctor was fresh out.

The pain didn’t recede at all, and two weeks later, he was back in the surgeon’s office. This time, the doctor tried to pour acid into his anus. I’m starting to believe this guy wasn’t a doctor at all, but rather some dude with a foreign-body anal fetish. After the acid treatment, my brother was declared “cured” and shoved out into the hallway.

He still has two anuses. Doctors have said he will always have two anuses. This is just his life now.

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  1. November 28, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    Yea! Hilarious and well-told! I laughed in pity for that poor schmuck, then I remember IT’S ME!

  2. September 24, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    NO! This can’t be real! No, I no fistulas are real. It’s the doctor! That doctor can’t be real because that is freaking SCARY! Actually, this whole post is scary. And I love potty stories but this one makes all my netherholes cringe.
    I’m going to eat more prunes so that I never have to strain again.

    • September 26, 2012 at 8:25 pm

      Oh, yes, they are real. And yeah, some doctors are insane and should obviously not be practicing. Just don’t use the toilet like a home office, sitting on your computer for hours there, and you might be okay. Be careful with your poops!

      • September 27, 2012 at 11:33 am

        I will be more poop-sensitive from this day forth!

  3. September 24, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    Aaaaand, I totally spelled “know” with just the n and the o. That’s how freaked out I was by all this.

  4. January 22, 2014 at 9:31 am

    I thought I’d update this post for you…

    I had went to see a world expert on fistulas in England (I was already working there) who had written not one, but two books on the subject. I can’t imagine they were bestsellers.

    But even he couldn’t heal my final-boss-level fistula the first time around. He said more has been written on the subject of fistula than any other ailment in medical history, with the first documented fistula being written about over 4000 years ago because of their tenacity. So, if in mysteries we glimpse the face of god, then God was staring out of my asshole.

    The third surgery involved cutting a bit of my sphincter muscle. This is the Hail Mary of fistula-curing techniques and reliably renders the patient incontinent in varying degrees. Tired of changing my underwear literally eight times a day because of the discharge accumulating there that looked like I’d strained chicken soup through my skivvies, I said to go for it.

    It worked. Now, I’d put my sphincter-capacity at 70%, which keeps the poop in but unfortunately has me farting loudly and uncontrollably when I get up from a chair, bend over to pick up my keys or when I make sudden movements towards anything. Thank the gods I work in the theatre where everyone farts anyway and where I tend to get cast mostly in loud children’s musicals.

  1. December 23, 2011 at 9:33 am
  2. February 1, 2012 at 9:36 am
  3. May 4, 2012 at 10:29 am
  4. April 14, 2013 at 7:19 pm

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