The Time I Walked Out On a Date

I’ve been doing a lot of online dating lately.

This is mostly because I’m usually shy around guys that I don’t know, and I’ve been having a hard time meeting people in New York City. Yes, there are tons of people around, but we all just ignore each other on a daily basis. Eye contact could incite a fight, and I find myself usually looking at the sidewalk so that I can avoid forgotten dog poop.

I’ve selected OkCupid as my dating service since it’s free, and it tends to attract a younger demographic than Match.com or eHarmony. But though I’m certainly getting quantity with my dates, many have been lacking in quality. Here is a description of one of my recent bad ones. Yes, this is all describing just one guy.

• He described himself as a non-board certified European gynecologist. Though it turned out he wasn’t really a doctor of ANYTHING since he hadn’t completed any residency, and I had to put this in bold because, REALLY? I should have known better.
• Went to medical school in a small Eastern European country, but otherwise had lived in the US since childhood.
• Had been studying for the boards for two years, but kept postponing his testing date since he “didn’t feel ready.”
• Unemployed, and explained his lack of job by saying he would only work if the job “directly related to the boards.”
• Lived in a micro-studio on the Upper West Side on Manhattan, and described some sort of bizarre stock market Ponzi scheme to explain his income.
• Paid for nothing on the date out of “superstition” – he would not elaborate.
• Was rude to every service person we encountered (waitresses, bartender, retail store staff, etc.).
• Bizarrely, he refused to carry more than five $1 bills at any one time. He had a second wallet for potential dollar bill overflow, but suffered a minor meltdown when a waitress gave him six dollars in ones as change.
• He stroked my arm and stared with sympathy for a full minute when I told him I had never been to the opera.
• Speaking of the opera, he said that he usually wore a tuxedo to go to the opera by himself. Yes, he owns his own tux.
• He consistently creeped out his test patients by staring at them uncomfortably, being a close talker, and rarely blinking. His stare could bore a hole through a bank vault.
• He assumed I was an idiot who had “no deeper sense of self” until I told him I wrote a blog. Ah, yes, because we blog writers are just so fucking profound. And also typically lacking in social graces due to crippling anxiety issues.
• He seemed to lack basic medical knowledge for a supposed MD. He told me that eating ice cream during a cold would make me more sick, and appeared unfamiliar with the concept of an incubation periods for viruses.
• Didn’t know the word “hipster” – he claimed he had never heard it before in his life. He also didn’t know that Missouri was a state, or that St. Louis was a city. And yet he’s been in the US since he was a child, spoke English fluently, and had no foreign accent.
• He wore round Harry Potter glasses un-ironically. I’m sorry, those type of glasses simply are not flattering on anyone. Which was a shame because he was rather cute, otherwise.
• Knew nothing about current events, news, politics, movies, TV shows, etc. He didn’t own a TV and was exceedingly proud of it.
• When I off-handedly mentioned maybe going ice skating, he declared he would need “a few days in advance to mentally prepare” for any “unplanned, spontaneous activities.” Well, that pretty much defeats the point, no?
• He thought a good date activity would be taking me on his boring errands all afternoon. He argued with the staff at Housing Works until we got kicked out, then had me wait for 20+ minutes while he was getting his laptop repaired.
• When I decided to walk out and go home, he refused to let me leave without details as to what was wrong with him. He told me I was horribly anal, and that he only went on a date with me because he had “low standards” and was very “unselective.” He also said that it took too much effort for him to realize I was “unhappy,” and that it was unrealistic for me to expect that of him.
• After my escape, he texted multiple long and insulting messages, followed by a photo of a hand-drawn heart several days later. I had to block him from all further communications. AWESOME!