Home > Halloween, Japan, Scary, Silliness > The Time I Was Defeated by Six-Year-Olds

The Time I Was Defeated by Six-Year-Olds

November 28, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

First off, I am not a large woman. I’m just shy of 5’0″, and at the time of this story, I weighed less than 100 pounds. I’ve recently gained some weight, but I’m still a petite person, and people usually assume I’m in my late teens or early 20’s, though I’m turning 28 next month.

My point is, isn’t not particularly difficult to take me out. Any average man can pick me up pretty easily, and my arms resemble spaghetti. Even a sloppily executed punch could probably knock me out. I once managed to knock myself out by running into a pole in a Sam’s Club warehouse. I regained consciousness on the ground, disoriented, and staring at a massive tub of pretzels.

Anyway, to set the scene, I was working as an English teacher in Japan from 2006-2007. I taught both middle school and elementary school students, and when Halloween came around, I decided to go all out. Japan doesn’t really do Halloween – the most I saw was an inflatable pumpkin outside a cell phone store. But since it’s my favorite holiday, I decided to dress up to school and explain the whole trick-or-treating thing as best I could.

I headed off to the elementary school while wearing a cobbled together Hermione costume from Harry Potter. I had the grey sweater and a white collared shirt, a tie I got from a 99-yen shop, a black pleated skirt from Uniqlo, grey socks and black loafers, and a big black and red cape from Loft. I had no idea what to do about a wand, so I just went outside and grabbed a piece of bamboo and called it a day. I teased my hair like crazy, and armed with Halloween games, candy, and prizes, I set off.

I had underestimated the enthusiasm of small children for Harry Potter.

As soon as I entered the grounds, I was mobbed by kindergarteners. The first one grabbed one corner of my cape, and a second latched onto the opposite end. Soon, they were attempting to crawl up my back, choking my neck in the process. A child suctioned himself to my right leg, and his cohort balanced herself on top of my left foot. A fifth kid pinned both of my legs together from behind, and I went down in a heap of candy, cape, and malevolent giggles.

Wild-eyed, I tried to crawl out of the childrens’ embrace, but to no avail. As soon as I knocked one tiny pair of hands away, two more joined to take their place. Soon, all you could see was a single kicking foot jutting out of a dogpile of six-year-olds. I lost both my shoes, and eventually my cape was loosened and yanked away from my neck. I clutched the games and candy to my chest, knowing that if I lost those, all hope I’d have of regaining my authority in the classroom would be lost.

I was battered and past caring about the well-being of these kids, and I lept to my feet, elbows flying. Kindergarteners spun away, clutching pieces of my costume and chasing each other with my bamboo “wand.” I looked like I had just emerged from a gang bang.

I smoothed down my clothes as best I could, then thrust the games up above my head. “Who wants to win some prizes?!” I cried. My voice had authority, but my eyes still betrayed my fear. It had only taken five to bring me down – in a class of 40 students, I had no hope.

Luckily, I managed to get the kids to play Halloween Twister and toss-the-ring with an inflatable spider. I promised chocolate to any child who started to get unruly. We played a pantomime trick-or-treating game where they had to fashion hats out of paper, then ring a pretend doorbell and shout, “Trick-or-Treat!” to receive candy. Though I was technically not allowed to give out candy at this school, I didn’t care for rules at this point. This was a matter of survival. The only way to defuse the threat of crazed children was to sate them with sugar.

Many hours later, I finally discovered my cape on a 7-year-old girl who had been dragging it outside in the mud. My wand had been confiscated by a fellow teacher who spotted a kid trying to poke out her own eye with it. One of my shoes turned up in the corner of the classroom, while the other had been stuffed into a shoe cubby at the school entrance.

I wore my costume to three other schools in the area, but was never attacked like that again. The feeding frenzy was over.

Categories: Halloween, Japan, Scary, Silliness
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  1. February 10, 2012 at 9:51 am
  2. September 12, 2012 at 9:46 am

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