In 9th grade, all students at my school were required to take Language Arts. To my dismay, this turned out to be a public speaking class disguised as a writing class, which meant that my easy A was about to become a desperate C. Though friends have pointed out that I can be loud as fuck in public, especially while talking about embarrassing stories, I suddenly lose the ability to be coherent when placed in front of an audience.
I start talking about a mile a minute, sweating all the while as my face either turns as red as a drunkard’s, or as pale as someone about to pass out. My eyes will dart all around the room as if trying to identify who from the crowd is about to get up and shoot me. Whatever latent paranoia I have (which is a LOT) kicks into high gear, and I become convinced the audience is plotting my downfall at all times.
So yeah, public speaking and I don’t really get along.
But sadly, this class forced me to do it on a regular basis. It all culminated on one unfortunate day when we had to read a short story that we had written out loud to the class.
The assignment was to write a “funny” retelling of a classic fairy tale, and we all had to choose different ones. As a somewhat angry and depressed teenager, my idea of “funny” was a dark as shit Goldilocks and the Three Bears that took place in an apocalyptic future where weapons were as common as loose change. The body count in my story was startlingly high, and I was probably only saved from arrest by virtue of this being written before Columbine. My tale ended with both Goldilocks and the bears burning to death after Goldie’s flame thrower showers the house with fire. Goldie manically mutters that the temperature is now “juuuust right” as her hair bursts into flames.
I did not know in advance that we would have to read this out loud.
I heard about the change in the lesson plan during lunch, as students who had the class earlier in the day recounted their classmates’ “hilarious” stories. My only thought was, “I’M FUCKED.” I knew very well that my story was going to be seen as the ravings of a homicidal maniac, and I ran to the computer lab to shit out a different story in the ten minutes remaining before class.
I was unsuccessful.
And thus I found myself perched on a stool at the front of the class, having to read out loud some of the most disturbing shit I had ever written. As the bullets began to fly and blood ran from one end of the bears’ cabin to the other, I started to feel like I was watching a car wreck from afar. Try as I might, I couldn’t stop the brutal scene that was unfolding before me. Soon enough, my anxiety crested and I completely lost it. I began to laugh hysterically, describing the deadly fire between giggles as I gasped for air. I actually started crying as I plowed through the morbid tale, laughing so hard that my words about graphic murder came out as squeaks. I eventually slid off the stool to the floor in a desperate attempt to abort the insanity. The teacher insisted I continue reading from the cold linoleum. He did not much care for me.
In the end, I received a C- on the story (my teacher cited disliking “black humor”), and I gained a reputation for being batshit INSANE for the rest of my freshman year of high school. Fucking fantastic.
Okay, I want to warn you. The following links are really, truly, not safe for work (NSFW). I posted this on a Friday so that you can browse these horrors of the internet at your leisure on Saturday or Sunday.
Seriously. Getting caught watching porn at work is bad enough, but getting fired for watching hobo porn? That’s a story your co-workers will tell for years after your sudden and unwilling departure.
So why do I share these links? Because the internet is a fascinating place, especially when it comes to sex. No fetish goes unnoticed, and no bizarre obsession remains hidden in the darkness. The internet is a place for ALL to come together, and bond with others who share their strange tastes. I may not understand all these sites, but I appreciate that the internet provides a place for their fans to discover that they aren’t the only ones out there. You aren’t the ONLY one who fantasizes about shitting out egg-shaped butt-plugs – and while one egg shitter is sad, a group is a party!
A delightful romp through the magical land of “old hobos, drifters, and railroad men.” As if that weren’t tantalizing enough, one simple click presents to you a vertitable paradise of old, wrinkled, dirty dicks. But don’t take my word for it…see for yourself! Don’t miss Crazy Red, a man who “lost the lower half of his right leg from the knee down trying to hop a train in the late ’70’s.” The less limbs you possess, the more you’ll appeal to this audience. And the more horrific the amputation the better!
Now to appeal to your scholarly sensibilities: though I think this site is essentially directed towards elderly gay men, it could perhaps also appeal to gerontophiles, which are in a sense the opposite of pedophiles. For more on these and similar age-related fetishes and attractions, go head and check out this article on Wikipedia. Don’t worry…it’s not porn. This time.
The first time I presented Zentai in a blog (no, this is NOT the first time), I linked to Zentai Woman, a now defunct website full of bizarre Engrish and “artistic” spandex nudes. Sadly, this site no longer exists, so I’ll send you to The Zentai Project, full of people who dress in Zentai in public.
Zentai is a type of all-body spandex fetishism apparently popular in both Europe and Asia, though it is most associated with Japan. Ah, yes…Japan. A land whose porn truly knows no bounds. A place where eel shitting, octopus birthing, and tub girl all somehow became viable sexual options (note: that eel video makes “2 Girls, 1 Cup” look like the work of amateurs). And now I really wish I hadn’t decided to find those links.
This site is for those who want to practice beastiality without all that messy hair and gnashing teeth. Ever wanted to fuck a dingo? How about a dolphin? And don’t forget the numerous toys also available to help prepare you for penetration by a two-foot horse penis-shaped dildo. Fun times for everyone! Just remember: as Neal Horsley once said to Alan Colmes on FOX News, “When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.”
Food for thought, everyone. Food for thought.
But perhaps the most disturbing area of this site is the forums. That’s a rabbit hole you really shouldn’t ever go down, but this is where the discussions about shitting eggs (sexily!) take place. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Behind this deceptively innocent name lies the world of infantilism and sexy, sexy diapers. Forever crinkling as they walk, adult babies use infant paraphenalia in sexual play. How can you resist Jerry? But Forever a Kid is just a clothing and accessory site, so don’t worry…it’s all PG in some of the most disturbing innocence you will perhaps ever witness.
And I’m spent. I hope you enjoyed this tour through the bowels of the internet. I know I have!