Home > Anxiety, Bitching, College, Disturbing, Drinking, Scary, Strange, Worry > The Time I Was Picked Up by Drunk People

The Time I Was Picked Up by Drunk People


So I admit, the title of this post is misleading. I do not mean being “picked up” in the romantic sense. I mean being literally picked up in someone’s arms, perhaps over their head, and eventually dropped. Which hurts.

Let me explain. I’m short. Like, pocket-sized. And apparently, when people (especially guys) get drunk, they feel like trying to fucking bench press me. I don’t know why this happens, or what it’s meant to prove, but it’s happened too many times for me to ignore. I know that if people around me are wasted, I have to be on high alert, since there’s at least a 75% chance that I’m going to be airborne before the night is over.

And let me tell you, there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Saying, “No, don’t pick me up like a bag of rice!” never seems to work, and I’m too small to stop someone who is determined to lift me over their shoulder. If you have never been unwillingly hoisted by a drunk, beefy man, I can tell you that few things will make you feel more vulnerable. I mean, how rude is that shit? I don’t go up to you and leap on your back or something when you’re just trying to have a good time. “Hey, you looked like you could support my weight, so how about you CARRY ME NOW YAAAAAY!”

But nope, I’ll just be chatting, sipping my drink, and some dude will come up behind me and fucking cradle me like a baby. Usually I barely even know him, and now my drink is on the ground and I’m pissed. “Come on, don’t be a bitch,” he’ll say while digging his hand painfully into my armpit, or sometimes inadvertently (?) fondling my breast. “I just wanted to see if I could lift you.”

How about this? FUCK. YOU.

After the guy gets tired of toting me around like a damn Neanderthal, he’ll usually unceremoniously DROP ME. I’ve been dropped on tables, doorknobs, and into mud puddles. Huh, guess I was heavier than you thought, ASSHOLE.

Luckily, this doesn’t happen to me so often these days, though it felt like a fucking weekly occurrence in college. The next time you get the urge to pick up some random girl just because she’s tiny, put yourself in her shoes for a minute, and then WALK AWAY, you moronic sack of shit.

There, I feel better now. And the next stranger who tries to pick me up gets CUT, BITCH.

  1. August 22, 2012 at 10:27 am

    LOL Tell us how you really feel…hehe. I too share the problem of being pocket sized but thankfully the only person that has felt the need to bench press me is my husband.

    • August 22, 2012 at 12:18 pm

      You are very fortunate! I find it terrifying when strangers do it to me. Like I’m a sack of sugar they are toting somewhere. Unacceptable!

  2. August 22, 2012 at 11:23 am

    This used to happen to one of my friends, who is also tiny. Sadly, I am just average, so men never feel the need to pick me up…..or hold the doors open….

    • August 22, 2012 at 12:19 pm

      I don’t get it – are they trying to prove their manliness or something? Completely bizarre.

      • August 22, 2012 at 1:46 pm

        I think they must be. I like to hope the attraction isn’t something more sinister, but you never can tell!

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