The Time I Got a Massage

February 6, 2012 Leave a comment Go to comments

One thing that I love is a good massage.

Sadly, I don’t get one very often, and up until recently I had never had a real professional massage.

I decided to change that by heading to a spa during Spa Week in NYC, where selected services at participating spas are only $50. I still felt horribly guilty about spending $50 on myself for a massage, of all things, but I was determined to go through with it.

However, I neglected to check with others about massage etiquette first. I was led to a small, dark room by a woman with limited English skills. She closed the door and instructed me to “get ready,” without elaborating on what that might entail. Was I supposed to get undressed? If so, to what extent? Everything? Shit, I had no idea. After standing there in indecision for a while, I finally just started to strip, chucking my clothing into the corner.

The woman had begun knocking incessantly, trying to get back into the room. I flung myself onto the table, naked and uncomfortable. The woman came in, took in my nude form, and snapped at me to cover myself with a sheet. Oh, yeah. Makes sense.

She fled the room while I wrapped myself up toga-style. Evidently, this was wrong as well. Instructions had not been provided to me before this experience, but damn it, I was trying my best. I eventually got myself properly covered with the sheet, and the masseuse started at my back (good!) before deciding to just go to town on my ass (HOLY FUCK).

Seriously, she was trying to make bread down there, I think. Sitting down was painful for days afterwards.

The rest of the massage was fine, and I’d definitely do it again, but I still feel like I’m missing something. What other faux pas did I commit without even realizing it? Do most people just inherently know what happens during a full-body massage? The whole time I just kept on thinking about what an idiot I seemed like. The woman kneading my ass into biscuits surely hated me. Was I supposed to make small talk? Stay quiet? What if I accidentally farted? What if I fell asleep? What if I started to drool?

Massages are apparently not for the socially anxious.

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