The Time I Was a Nervous Wreck
So, this title pretty much explains every day of my life.
People used to ask me how I stayed so thin – I answered that constant worry was a great way to burn calories. This usually made the other person feel really awkward, but alas, it’s true. Just develop a crippling anxiety disorder, and you too can have the emaciated frame of a consumption patient.
Things are actually a lot better for me these days (for example: I can now leave the safety of my apartment!), but I still get anxious about stupid shit.
Here’s some of the stuff I worry about on a daily basis:
- Whether my alarm clock will go off. I’ve started setting multiple alarm clocks all over my room, despite the fact that I’ve never had a problem with my alarm before.
- Whether the stove is on or the door is locked. I check these multiple times before going to bed.
- Every time I am called into my boss’ office, and I mean every time, I assume I’m being fired. This has gotten so bad that I have a minor freak-out a few times a day. I try and avoid this by going into my boss’ office under my own free will at least six times a day, just to check that things are okay.
- That people will think I’m drinking too much water while at the gym or another physical activity. If I’m not doing something super strenuous, I’ll be scared to drink water since I’ll look like a pussy.
- That someone will catch me playing a Facebook game and judge me for it.
- If I feel I’ve said the wrong thing in a situation, I’ll obsess over it for weeks, replaying the conversation in my head over and over, and dwelling on what I could have done differently. Usually, if it ever comes up, the other party doesn’t even remember me saying anything offensive.
- Dying. I worry especially about a mugging gone wrong, being an innocent bystander in a drive-by, or being hit by a cab/bus. I also worry I’ll be murdered and manage to not have any forensic evidence of my killer on me. It’s one of the reasons I like to keep my fingernails long – they’re great for storing your attacker’s DNA!
- Accidentally taking too much of a medication, or taking the wrong one altogether. I’ll sit with a headache for a while, refusing to take anything until I can remember the last time I took some Advil. If I’m going to overdose, I’ll do it intentionally, damn it.
- Whether my shoes are too loud. I don’t like it when you can hear my heels in a hallway or on a sidewalk. I also worry that while wearing clopping shoes and sounding like a horse, there will be a serial killer that I’ll have to hide from. As soon as I start to move, he’ll hear my stupid shoes and kill me.
- Whether I’m doing something weird in my sleep when I’m over at someone else’s house. What if I’m humping a pillow or something and the other person wakes up? I don’t think I’ve ever done that in my sleep, but how would I know?!
- Whether my music or TV is too loud in my room. I’ll listen to everything on the lowest possible volume setting, afraid that I’ll disturb someone.
- Worried that I’ll die alone and be eventually eaten by cats. I can picture them gnawing at my pale dead throat.
- Worried that I smell like soup all the time and just don’t know it.
- Whether I seem incompetent. I secretly believe anyone I live or work with is just tolerating me until someone better comes along.
- Driving. I hate driving since I’m always convinced I’m going to kill myself or someone else. Driving is one of the most dangerous things the average person ever does!
- Whether people are watching me eat and judging my table manners or eating habits. Left to my own devices, I’ll always eat alone.