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The Time I Discovered Really Fucked Up Internet Porn

September 30, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

Okay, I want to warn you. The following links are really, truly, not safe for work (NSFW). I posted this on a Friday so that you can browse these horrors of the internet at your leisure on Saturday or Sunday.

Seriously. Getting caught watching porn at work is bad enough, but getting fired for watching hobo porn? That’s a story your co-workers will tell for years after your sudden and unwilling departure.

So why do I share these links? Because the internet is a fascinating place, especially when it comes to sex. No fetish goes unnoticed, and no bizarre obsession remains hidden in the darkness. The internet is a place for ALL to come together, and bond with others who share their strange tastes. I may not understand all these sites, but I appreciate that the internet provides a place for their fans to discover that they aren’t the only ones out there. You aren’t the ONLY one who fantasizes about shitting out egg-shaped butt-plugs – and while one egg shitter is sad, a group is a party!

A delightful romp through the magical land of “old hobos, drifters, and railroad men.” As if that weren’t tantalizing enough, one simple click presents to you a vertitable paradise of old, wrinkled, dirty dicks. But don’t take my word for it…see for yourself! Don’t miss Crazy Red, a man who “lost the lower half of his right leg from the knee down trying to hop a train in the late ’70’s.” The less limbs you possess, the more you’ll appeal to this audience. And the more horrific the amputation the better!

Now to appeal to your scholarly sensibilities: though I think this site is essentially directed towards elderly gay men, it could perhaps also appeal to gerontophiles, which are in a sense the opposite of pedophiles. For more on these and similar age-related fetishes and attractions, go head and check out this article on Wikipedia. Don’t worry…it’s not porn. This time.

The first time I presented Zentai in a blog (no, this is NOT the first time), I linked to Zentai Woman, a now defunct website full of bizarre Engrish and “artistic” spandex nudes. Sadly, this site no longer exists, so I’ll send you to The Zentai Project, full of people who dress in Zentai in public.

Zentai is a type of all-body spandex fetishism apparently popular in both Europe and Asia, though it is most associated with Japan. Ah, yes…Japan. A land whose porn truly knows no bounds. A place where eel shittingoctopus birthing, and tub girl all somehow became viable sexual options (note: that eel video makes “2 Girls, 1 Cup” look like the work of amateurs). And now I really wish I hadn’t decided to find those links.

This site is for those who want to practice beastiality without all that messy hair and gnashing teeth. Ever wanted to fuck a dingo? How about a dolphin? And don’t forget the numerous toys also available to help prepare you for penetration by a two-foot horse penis-shaped dildo. Fun times for everyone! Just remember: as Neal Horsley once said to Alan Colmes on FOX News, “When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.”

Food for thought, everyone. Food for thought.

But perhaps the most disturbing area of this site is the forums. That’s a rabbit hole you really shouldn’t ever go down, but this is where the discussions about shitting eggs (sexily!) take place. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Behind this deceptively innocent name lies the world of infantilism and sexy, sexy diapers. Forever crinkling as they walk, adult babies use infant paraphenalia in sexual play. How can you resist Jerry? But Forever a Kid is just a clothing and accessory site, so don’t worry…it’s all PG in some of the most disturbing innocence you will perhaps ever witness.

And I’m spent. I hope you enjoyed this tour through the bowels of the internet. I know I have!

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