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The Time I Thought About Humans as Food

Yes, this is a sandwich made of human placenta.

Somehow, my coworkers always manage to make me feel like some sort of freak.

Today, I mentioned that I often wondered what humans tasted like. Were they more like pork, or like beef? And what type of wine would you serve for the occasion?

A vegetarian coworker mentioned that she read somewhere (yeah, right, she’s totally a cannibalistic serial killer) that human flesh tasted rather like pork. Which means I would serve a white wine instead of a Chianti with fava beans. I know pigs are similar to us anatomically since they’re used so often in biology class, but does that mean our muscles taste the same, too? And now all I can think of are preserved fetal pigs, and the horrible smell that accompanies them when they’re slapped onto your dissection tray.

Anyway.

My coworkers were horrified by my musings, especially when I named who I thought would put up the least fight if we were stranded on a desert island. Sadly, all of us on the marketing team are rather bony by American standards, so the meat would be considerably less marbled than I’d prefer.

A quick Google search reveals quotes from cannibals of the past, one of whom compared the meat to “good, fully developed veal.” But most others seem have formed the consensus that humans do, in fact, taste like pork. Does this mean you could make human bacon from the belly of an overweight adult?

I have heard that some new mothers have taken to eating their own placentas. It’s practically a trend (yes, that’s four different links there), with scientists studying the phenomenon and actresses jumping on board. I can’t really think of anything MORE disgusting to eat than a placenta, but I’ve seen recipes where it’s made into tacos. TACOS. BLOODY FUCKING TACOS.

My mom actually saved her placenta after I was born, but not so she could make it into a damn casserole. I think the idea was that she would plant the placenta under a tree, which would then grow while being nourished by her own bodily fluids. This tree would become “my” tree after sharing a placenta with me. But it never happened since my mom put the placenta in the freezer after I was born (I was born at home), and it was forgotten amongst the hamburger patties and ice cream. By the time it was rediscovered, we were moving to another house, and it was a biohazard. Totally gross, but at least she didn’t EAT IT.

I hope to never find out what humans taste like myself, but I can’t help but wonder. Does that make me a terrible person? I don’t think so, but then again, my tolerance for the grotesque seems to be far beyond the norm, so I doubt I’m part of a representative sample.

  1. calger459
    April 4, 2012 at 12:08 pm | #1

    Can a tree even be nourished by placental fluids? That’s actually kind of a creepy thought, like it would produce some kind of monster meat-craving tree like in Wizard of Oz or LOTR or something. Now I’m tempted to ask if she considered doing the same thing with me, or she got that idea later.

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